This has to be the stupidest idea for a holiday ever! I mean, does anyone actually enjoy it. People get into the "Christmas spirit," Thanksgiving can be fun if your family doesn't fight, and Children's Day is all about having fun. Note to America: get a Children's Day. You have a Mother's Day, a Father's Day, and holidays for almost all other relatives. The only individuals lacking a holiday are the "leaves" of the family tree.

But back to the horrid idea of a "love" holiday. Some people get angry that their significant others "forgot" Valentine's Day, and the significant other responsible for "remembering" Valentine's Day is put under so much stress to actually get a good gift, he or she is almost dead by the time this person is ready to give the gift to eir lover.

This also wouldn't be such a problem is only those people in relationships were prey to this evil holiday. I mean, the rest of us could laugh and point and say, "That's what they get for getting to be so happy during the rest of the year! Finally, they're miserable!" There is a part of human nature allowing us to gain immense satisfaction from others' misery. If this were all that Valentine's Day did, the majority of us would be fine with it.

But, no, Valentine's Day also exploits us single individuals by reminding us that we are alone, that we are not loved, that we are not pretty enough to attract a member of our desired sex. We are encouraged to find a "date" for Valentine's Day. SOme of us are so desperate that we are willing to be set up on blind dates by our non-single friends. Unfortunately, these friends are very stressed about finding gifts for their lovers so that they might not wind up in the doghouse, on the couch, or stuffed in the pantry for the night. They are so stressed, in fact, that their judgment of a "great guy" or a "great gal" is completely skewed. I cannot emphasize how many times I have been set up on a blind date with a disgusting, rude, sleazy guy. And, of course, it's always on Valentine's Day.

Should I go into some of the standard gifts? Sure, why not? First, there are flowers. They smell nice... until they begin to rot. Will your relationship last as long as a present representing your relationship did? So live flowers, you say? Great, one more thing that I'll have to take care of. I have crows at my temple, I have to cook for my grandfather, and I have to keep that silly wannabe-rockstar out of trouble. I don't have time to worry about watering a silly flower every day.

Next, a box of chocolates. Only some chocolate companies actually released a map of the chocolcates on the lid, so that one may avoid the nasty ones. Coconut-pecan filled with a peach coating? Ew. Otherwise, one's ingestion of these chocolates requires a nearby trash can to quickly spit out the disgusting ones. And if one knows what kind of choclate it is before one eats it then... where's the surprise? Part of the novelty of a box of chocolates in the surprise. And aren't we all trying to lose weight? Candy is never a good idea. And those Cadbury eggs for Easter are already out! But, again, Easter eggs aren't exactly the best Valentine's Day gift. And, well, they are just as fattening as a box of choclates.

So what's the perfect gift for Valentine's Day? Nothing. Screw Valentine's Day. Love your signifiant other all year.

I know. You've heard it before. Spam is annoying. Spam is obnoxious. We all hate Spam, right? The worst part is that grocery stores have the audacity to charge several bucks for a can of the disgusting meat. I mean, it's not like a can of sausages. You can't just pop them in your mouth. Well, I'm sure you can, but I'm also pretty sure that you don't want to. Part of Spam's industrial appeal (we can all roll our eyes at the thought of Spam actually having any sort of appeal) is that it has an incredibly long shelf-life. Heck, if you were one of those fools who were actually worried about the Y2K bug, you should have stocked up on Spam in your lead-covered pantry.

However, that youth comes at a price: oily slime covering the meat when you take it out of the can. So, you kinda gotta wash it off before you can eat it. You may even have to cook it too. I'm not 100% sure about that, as I don't have the stomach to wash off the Spam. The one time I attempted to get a meal out of it, the smell of the ooze hit my nostrils as soon as I opened the can. I took it to the sink, ready to wash it off. I got a spatula to pull the meat out, and the ooze just dripped back into the can. I dropped it in disgust and ran away to Usagi's Pretz stock.

Lately I've been getting another kind of spam: unsolicited e-mail. Fortunately, e-mail is a lot easier to trash than cans of Spam. When I throw away physical goods, somebody has to carry the trash out. And, well, grandfather is certainly in no condition to do that, and that wanna-be rock-star won't take out the trash until I beat him on the head with a broom. And, honestly, it's less work for me just to take out the trash myself. Therefore, I try to keep the physical garbage in the temple to a minimum.

Back when the Dark Kingdom was running a meat processing factory, we all got a lot of physical Spam spam. That is, cans of Spam would arrive with the rest of the mail. They were about as common as AOL CDs are in America. Eventually, we senshi put an end to that plan, and the unsolicited can-mail stopped. Sadly, forces of evil are not behind unsolicited e-mail, so getting it to stop isn't as simple as flinging a crown at a monster. Greedy humans are behind it, and the only for it to stop is for those who send it to no longer find it profitable. It's relatively simple to spam us civilians. And just one person taking the offer is enough to turn over a profit for the spammer. So stop ordering those diet pills from Mexico and that as-seen-on-TV Almost Perfect Pancake! It's not worth it! Appropriately enough, I even once got e-mail advertising bulk purchases of canned goods like tuna, soup, and, yes, even Spam.

Okay, I just went to the refrigerator to get a small snack... and it's filled with Spam. Nothing but cans of Spam! A certain guitar is going to smash into a certain laptop tonight.