Canines are interesting creatures. Have you ever noticed Bill burying bones in the yard? I hear dogs like to do that. Now, I own a cat, but Artemis says he's seen his fair share of dogs burying bones. My guess is that Bill probably buried a few bones at your old house. How would you feel if you had to leave a bunch of toys behind before moving?

The solution: Until you manage to get Bill to open up and share his feelings, it'll be difficult to cheer him up. Instead, it may be easier to get all of his old bones. If he's in a bad mood, he won't want to come with you. And that means you'll have to find all of the bones yourself. And I'm warning you now: bones are hard to find! It takes grown archaeologists years to find bones!

Well, the simplest method would be to go up to her and say, "Hi. I have a crush on you. Will you go out with me?" But that can be very heart-breaking if she turns you down. To avoid this, come up with something she can't turn down. Treat her a gourmet dinner at a fancy french restaurant and impress her with how you can almost pronounce the words on the menu.

Wait, you have to get her to agree to go out with you first. I almost forgot! Get her a bouquet of flowers, preferrably roses. Roses are always romantic. Normally, I'd recommend making sure all the thorns are sanded off first. However, if you happen to have a blood fetish, I'd suggest leaving the thorns on the roses. When she pricks herself, offer to suck the blood off of her finger for her. If she declines, do it anyway. If she slaps you, suck on her whole hand.

Now this may seem very odd, but I assure you, that's the best way to win over a vampire. Now if the girl in question doesn't happen to be a vampire, bring her candy as well. Unless, of course, she's watching her weight. If you two know each other from a "fat camp," then candy will be just the treat she's been forced to do without all this time.

I can hear you wondering how to go about getting the courage to go up and talk to her. Try calling her. Get a hold of her number and call her late at night so she'll be disoriented. Breathe loudly so she won't recognize your voice. Then ask her out on a date. And to seal the deal, threaten to do harm to her puppy if she doesn't agree to the date.

Remember, in love, never give up. If you follow someone around enough, they're bound to get sick enough of the creepiness to give dating you a chance!

A lot of people resist change because they're scared of it. The way to convince someone change is good is to show them the effects that the change will bring and hope that those positive consequences will alleviate their fears. But sometimes, people don't know how to go about change. And that seems to be the case here.

If you want your friend to change, take her clothes shopping at the mall. After several hours of shopping, she's sure to have found something that she likes. Then suggest returning to her house. Once there, set her on fire. Matches will work, but a lighter is far better. A lighter is much easier to get a flame with than matches are, which gives you the element of surprise in torching your friend's clothes. As she rolls around on the floor in an attempt to put out the conflagration, dump a bucket of water (which you should have strategically placed earlier that day) on her, putting out the flame. If she's uninjured, her comments will most likely be about your ruining her clothes.

Now this is the good part: suggest she put on the clothes the two of you just bought while shopping! As her current clothes are now smoldering and smelling of ash, she'll be more than happy to change into the new clothes. That, Ali, is the way to get a friend to change!

Whether or not I think that you could be a sailor scout is beside the question. The question you must really ask yourself is: "Do I have what it takes to be a sailor scout?" Do you have the determination? Do you have the moral compass to guide you between right and wrong? Do you the spare time on the weekends to fight the Dark Kingdom, the Black Moon, and other organizations of evil? And, most importantly, do you have the money to go to the salon after every battle to repair your nails and hair?

Fighting the forces of evil is both a very time-consuming and very redundant job. You may think that your life is drab and boring, but, trust me, that's a lot better than "Oh, great. We have to save the world. Again." It can get very annoying. Isn't one defeat good enough for the bad guys? Why do they keep coming back? If we kicked their butts the first time, it should be pretty easy to figure out that we'll kick 'em again.

Also, all of the planets have been claimed by a sailor scout. Until a new one is named, there won't be any slots open. Try again next season, 'kay?

The younger the people involved are, the greater a difference an age difference is. The gravity of the difference is really proprtional to the difference of the ages as a percentage of the younger person. Therefore, there is 20% age problem between a person 15 and a person 18. It's really optimal to achieve a percentage less than 10%. If you met at camp, that implies that you are most likely 20 or younger. And if this guy is five years younger than you, that's at the very least a 33% age problem. Really, you should be ashamed of yourself. He's just a kid! Why don't you go find someone your own age?I may be the soldier of love, but I'm not find-yourself-a-kid-to-love service! I should feel insulted!

Okay, now that I've covered that, let's discuss how you can show him what he's missing. First of all, if you're physically attractive, get naked and run into him several times every day, naked. Eventually he'll give in and say, "Gee, you look good naked." If you're intelligent, write a book and force him to read it. If you're artistic, paint him a picture. If you're ugly, stupid, and not creative, give up and go find some other fifteen-year-old boy to sexually harrass.